A word from the husband….
So Gary decided to write his post from his perspective. It is quite long but he want to make sure he got everything down. I hope you enjoy!
So, the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is one of those sayings that to me never really truly meant anything and was nothing more than a cliché. Now, nearly two years after Amy and I started trying to have a baby those words couldn’t ring more true. For two reasons.
1) For any other guy reading this who has a wife going through IVF treatment, I’m willing to bet (and yes, I’m a gambling man) that you’ll agree – even the most calm, cool, and collected woman in the world who under normal circumstances wouldn’t hurt a fly becomes (for lack of a better word) homicidal. So, the fact that Amy and I have been through one complete round of IVF (unsuccessfully) and I’m still here and able to write this post I can safely say that I’m definitely not dead (thank you Amy) and I’m definitely stronger
2) OK – so, #2 is where the heartfelt portion of this begins. Amy and I are stronger now than we’ve been ever since we first met. What amazes most about this entire situation is that even with the hormones, even with the reactions, even with the disappointments, even with Amy going through the roller coaster of treatments, blood tests, ultra sounds, drugs, weight gain (in reality, all of the physical downsides of IVF) we are closer and more in love than ever. I think this is a testament to so many different things – including, but not limited to WANTING A BABY TOGETHER!!!
Amy asked me to write this post as she told me how many people going through similar things as us (and even those that aren’t) have been there for her through our journey thus far. (Sorry, saying “journey” reminds of watching the bachelor but as long as I don’t say “connection”, we’re good) . She felt that my contribution may add a new perspective or maybe even be something that other guys in the same situation could read and now that I’m in the midst of writing this I feel like I may just keep going so if you stick with me through my forthcoming unedited rambling, I hope that what I say will make you laugh, cry, nod your head in agreement, or whatever else it may do. And, if you don’t have the time to continue reading but are one of the many people who have been following Amy’s blog – I want to take a moment to say THANK YOU. Your kind words of encouragement and support are amazing. Every time she reads me a comment left or an email sent I really feel so happy for her to have found a group of awesome people across the world that are rooting for us. It’s truly something special.
So, for me I think the truly hardest part of what we’ve been through so far hasn’t necessarily been not having a baby yet. I’m realistically optimistic (and I know I started this post off with a cliché saying that never resonated with me before – but another cliché that I actually believe is that things happen for a reason) and I know in my heart that our time is coming soon and that all of the struggle and heartache will result in us having a family. The hardest part has been seeing what the last year + has done to my amazing wife. It’s not even just what the medicine does in terms of hormones (see #1 above) or what it does in terms of appearance and weight gain. ((FYI – these new curves she has are awesome)) (((Yes, I just used double and triple parenthesis))) The hardest part has been watching her get emotionally torn down day after day. Not even just when we found out IVF didn’t work (or for the months preceding when the IUIs didn’t work) but even more so – what has happened since then. OF COURSE, IVF not working was devastating – but, I think we became so used to nothing working that we kind of expected the outcome. Our life since has almost become a countdown to the next IVF which is now just around the corner. What kills me is seeing her beaten down by the everyday stuff. Like going to the movies and watching a preview with a baby in it – I don’t even have to look over at her to know there’s a frown on her face. Or, even worse – watching her see one of her dear friends go through a “normal” pregnancy after getting pregnant on try # 1. Oh yeah, you probably know this already – but she attended TWO baby showers for her friend. That was probably more difficult than just about anything else thus far. It’s also been so hard for me to see other of her dear friendships change. I do my absolute best every single day to be her “rock” but at the same time having girlfriends to lean on and cry to is important as well and the fact that some people’s true colors came out in the past year is really difficult not only for Amy to deal with but it also puts an added amount of pressure on me to be the “go to person” all of the time. I’ve done my fair share of reading on IVF (there’s a book called “So Close” which is amazing) and it seems like friendships can change/suffer when one person is dealing with infertility so I know that all of the above is “normal” but that doesn’t make it any more easy to bare. I think what it truly comes down to is that unless you’ve been through infertility YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. It’s the people that haven’t been through it but take the time to try and understand it that have also shown their true colors and those colors are pretty, bright, and amazing. To all of those people in Amy’s day to day life and to those of you on here, THANK YOU. You too have made this situation just THAT much easier and trust me, every single little bit helps.
So, maybe you’re wondering to yourself – “what’s changed for you, Gary?”. I’ll tell you: Everything. So, to cover “everything” I’d probably really over stay my welcome on here (if I haven’t already) – but I can sum it up for you. I truly with all of my heart and ever piece of my soul want to become a dad. Yes, of course even before we knew that having a child wasn’t going to be easy I wanted to start a family but I don’t think that it really ever impacted me in the way that it now does. People say that there’s never a “right time” to have a family, that you can never be prepared enough, that no matter how much you plan, it’s always going to be tough. (Wow, I’ve also learned that people love to use terrible clichés). Well, to everyone out there – I AM READY! I’m ready to watch Amy be the best mom in the world. I’m ready to slowly but surely watch all of the pain from this struggle disappear (yet, it will always remain with us as it should). I’m ready to really know what it’s truly like to be responsible (sorry to my new, awesome, company – but we’re talking about my future kid(s) here). I’m ready to love someone with all of my heart (Amy, yes of course I love you with all of my heart – I’m just ready to love someone else with it as well). I’m ready to see my mom’s face when she holds her grandchild for the first time. I’m ready to live the rest of my life with an indelible smile on my heart.
I don’t necessarily know if what I wrote was what Amy was expecting or if anyone (aside from her) got to this point but even just spending the time to write this really made it even more clear to me why this blog has become such an important part of her life. Sometimes family, friends, shrinks, pets (shout out to our cat) don’t take the place of a completely subjective, caring, open-minded audience of “strangers” and just being able to speak without censor and get things out in the universe is tremendously helpful and important. So, for those of you who read this entire post and possibly got even a little something out of it – I want to thank you as well. Because, consciously or not – you were here for me and I truly appreciate it.
I guess it’s time to give Amy her blog back. J
15 notes /
