Adoption
I have been putting off writing about our day at the adoption agency this past Saturday because I am lacking the words to do justice to how I feel.
Adoption was something that has always been there in the back of our minds as an option but never have we felt so strongly that we could do this. This is MORE then an option. This might be where our baby comes from. Not from my stomach but from this route and maybe this is where our baby has been all along. We just needed to take the long way to find that out.
A family came to speak with us that had just completed their adoption through this agency. They told us all about their experience and more then a few times I gripped Gary’s hand tight and looked over at him with tears in my eyes to see his tears reflecting back at me. I knew in that moment that we would be okay with however this plays out. That we would be MORE than okay.
We are still planning on using our last 2 IVF attempts if the doctor tells us that is still a viable option. Some of the pressure of actually going through IVF again has been lifted off me. It does not feel SO heartbreaking if it doesn’t work. Will we be sad? OF COURSE! We would love to have a child that has Gary’s long lashes and my blue eyes. The difference is that I truly feel now that isn’t the only child out there for us. Our child might have brown eyes and look different from us but that won’t make them any less OUR BABY. So yes, IVF will still be stressful and sad if it doesn’t work. I will still go through the roller coaster of emotions that it will bring but regardless of the path this takes us on, it will result in a child. That has ALWAYS been the end goal for us.
It was so easy to get wrapped up in this treatment and to be swept along by all the appointments and medication and procedures. You just assumed that if you did everything they said - you would have a baby at the end. It took this IVF failing for me to realize that perhaps our baby is not going to come to us from all of this. Looking very hard at adoption I now know our baby is out there and we will find each other regardless of how we get there.
I want to leave off this post with a paragraph Gary wrote about his experience on Saturday. I am so lucky to have married this man. Now that some of my depression has lifted I can see more clearly all of the HUGE blessings I do have in my life - he is the biggest one.
The adoption seminar at The Cradle was very eye opening for me. It definitely made the prospect of adopting a child vs. having our own child naturally a very real thing. The one thing that stands out to me the most from the two hour session was the part about “entitlement” and how in the world of adoption that’s defined in a positive way as opposed to the negative connotation generally associated with people who think they are “entitled”. Basically what it comes down to is that the birth mom would be choosing US to parent her child and therefore we’d be “entitled” to be that child’s parent. Putting it into words doesn’t really do it justice but the feeling and meaning behind what that really says is what resonated with me and has left a lasting impression on me since we were there. Internalizing that concept is what has made me much more open to the whole idea because as simple as it may sound there really is something very complex about it. Just as a couple who has their child naturally can look at their baby and “know” it’s their child - the fact that someone who has to go through the pain of giving up their child but has chosen Amy and I to be the parents makes me “know” that child would be ours too. Yes, I am still holding out immense hope that our next IVF cycle works but if adoption is the next chapter in our lives then I know I can go into it with an open mind and strong heart.
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