Grace in Shades of Gray

One could say that I am “unlucky” in life lately. We have had a rough year, the toughest year I think I have ever had so far. I would disagree that I am unlucky. I feel very lucky. I have a home that I love in a city that I love, my husband and I have good jobs and good friends. We have our health generally speaking. We are able to do most things that we want to do and enjoy each other’s company immensely so at the end of the day I have to think that I am pretty lucky in life.

I married my Best Friend. The one person I could easily be frustrated with right now because all this medical poking and prodding is happening to me and not him but instead I find myself only wanting to be around him.

He is the one person that understands me and loves me without judgement.

He is the one that drives me to and from work everyday even though he works a block from our house.

He is the one who when I told him I was scared to start injections on Friday let me know that he has purchased a ton of fun treats and surprises for me and I get one each night that I do an injection. (that’s 3-4 weeks of little presents) For some reason this just blew me away. I can’t get over how thoughtful and loving the gesture is. He knows that little things like that make me excited and happy and he knows that would make it just a little easier on me and he wants nothing more then to make this all easier for me.

So I am not unlucky. Sometimes I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

First week = DONE!

Next week = First Lupron injections next Friday

So my queasiness has subsided. I no longer walk around gagging so that I am very thankful for. I had a crazy bout of insomnia this last week and it is going a little better as well. I don’t know if it is because of the upcoming weekend or I am just adjusting to what life is going to be like now but today things seem a little more manageable then they did yesterday..

So I haven’t been on birth control pills in over 5 years. Most recently, November 08 I was on the Nuva Ring, I have not been on any form of Birth Control since then.

My question is…. Can Birth Control Pills make you want to barf 24-7? Am I having a reaction to these specific pills? If it gets worse I am going to obviously call my doctor but I really don’t want to become that neurotic patient 4 days into this!

Anyone else have this issue?

Seriously my husband is the best.

I am at work, starving and too lazy to go walk to any of the 20 places to get food in my 4 block vicinity.

So he ordered me Portillo’s from Diningin.com, paid for it and is having it delivered to my work.

Love him and love chicken croissant sandwiches from Portillos.

Great Monday pick me up!

Yet, again. Shocker. Am I ever going to see two lines on a test again?

I guess it is sinking in now. Now I just want to get going. I start Birth Control pills tomorrow.

G and I both took the day off tomorrow to just spend doing nice things for each other and taking care of our selves. Having some fun and letting this all sink in. Unfortunately I will be spending the first part of the morning at the dentist but I am sure we can have some fun in the afternoon.

The hardest part about this for me right this minute. Is not the injections, or the retrevial or the millions of appointments it is the fact that I have to wait until the first week in July to know if this worked or not.

As you know, I am not good with waiting. Especially when it comes to this.

Yesterday - sucked. I held it together for my mom and took her to brunch and we had a nice time. Of course we got seated next to a table with 2 mom’s my age and their husbands and children. A lovely reminder of what is not.

Today - is a great day because my husband is coming home from NYC where he spent time with his mom over the weekend. I really think that we may have an unhealthy attachment issue with each other. Between the 100 texts, bbms, and picture taking of ourselves in our respective beds sent via blackberry, it is pretty safe to say we might be nuts. I just really like him a lot and miss him when he is gone. It also doesn’t help that I was feeling pretty sensitive. Either way healthy or not, he is picking me up from work and I plan on RUNNING out to the car even though we have been apart for 36 hours. CAN’T WAIT.

Tomorrow - Is the big IVF registration day. We will be at the hospital from 8-5. I hope we get a good break for lunch! I am nervous, worried, stressed, excited and happy to have the whole day with G. I am testing tomorrow morning even though I will only be 11dpIUI and if it were positive we would still be attending in the event something happened and we needed to do IVF anyways. I am happy we ended up doing this so that if I am disappointed that this IUI didn’t work we will already have everything lined up to go.

So I decided a few weeks ago that since I whine and complain and know WAY too much about all this infertility stuff, I need to do something about it.

On May 17th I am phone training with a great woman from resolve.org so that I can volunteer with their helpline one day a month. It is such a small time committment and is for such a good cause.

It will be good to connect with other women and get out of my own head a little as well.

I know everyone is probably sick of my complaining that this 2 week wait has been unbearable but DAMN is it crawling by. I think this is the worst one I have experienced in the last 14-15 months. I mean this is just ridiculous.

I am hoping that after the weekend things will truck along a little faster b/c I am going insane over here.

I know it is because this is our last hurrah before IVF. I am so excited that G and I took next Friday off together. Either we will be celebrating or we will be feeling sorry for ourselves and drowning in some serious cocktails. Either way lets just hurry this up and get there already!

glutton for punishment much?

I convinced Gary to take me to see the movie Babies when it comes out tomorrow. He is leaving me for NYC on Saturday morning so I played the guilt card. Works like a charm.

I also expect some kick ass presents when he comes home including a NYC everything bagel or 4.

This is a womans take on the What IF project from NIAW.

http://www.vimeo.com/11214833

It is extremely moving.

Edit to add: Here is her blog: http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/

That is: 5 Days Past IUI…… I need to get to at least 12. Oh lets be honest, I am going to start taking tests on 10dpiui even though that is completely ridiculous but hey there is a reason I buy pregnancy tests in bulk!

Seriously, there should be a support group for woman addicted to peeing on sticks.

Crossing the days off my calendar is not even doing it for me anymore, I need to have one where I can cross off the hours.

This weekend is going to be rough as my husband is heading to NYC for Mother’s day. A day that I wish we were celebrating together. I am having some of the girls over to watch movies and order in terribly fattening food so hopefully that will compensate.

just not as fast enough as I would like.

I think that is one of the hardest parts of undergoing fertility treatments. I never was one to wish my life away and always try to live for the moment but for the last year or so every month as been something to look forward to and bring disappointment.

I hate that all I want to do right now is hibernate until I can test but that is really NO way to live.

I just really pray that this time goes by fast so I don’t continue to torture myself.