Grace in Shades of Gray

Literally. I am having hot flashes like I am menopausal. That is not the worst part. The worst part is that I am completely mentally unstable from these meds. My husband deserves a medal. He is a saint. At one point this morning while screaming and bawling (FOR NO REASON WHAT SO EVER) I yelled at him that I can’t stand him…. WHAT??? Where the heck did that come from? He responded that this is totally normal and that he has been reading message boards that I won’t feel this way for much longer. For some reason this made me more insane. aughhhh - In my head I knew I didn’t want to be yelling at him but I couldn’t even stop when I knew I wanted to. It is like my brain has been hijacked by some crazy woman!

Not a fan.

Although it is worth it if it works. Lets really hope that this works.

I got my mail ordered inject-able for Thursday. It is one syringe and it came in a box that looked like it held a small television. It was in a cooler with tons of ice packs. It is resting in my fridge right now. Every time I open the fridge and see it, I say a little prayer that needles will not be making a regular appearance next to my fruit and ginger ale anytime soon.

My ovaries HURT. Like seriously painful. Mix that with my hot flashes and I am pretty much the most awesome person to hang out with right now.

Perhaps that’s why G is in the living room watching American Idol with my mom. My own personal hell……. the American Idol…….not my mom people!

Got FSH level back and it is 4.7 - anything under 10 is good to go!

If it would have been higher we might have had to alter the course of this cycle but now we don’t.

I am so lame that I have calculated the number of days until we will know for sure if this worked.

You know you wanna know…. 25 days not counting today.

Since no one in my real life reads this, I will probably share the outcome regardless. I have used this space for a personal place to vent, keep track and be able to look back and remember this process. So it will all be on here, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Had an insanely short cycle this month. I am starting Clomid tonight. Going in for blood work and a baseline ultrasound today. Meet with our RE again on the 2nd, go in for the trigger shot next Thursday, then we have 48 hours to “make it happen” and we wait 14 days to find out if it worked.

I am going back for acupuncture the next 2 Fridays in a row so we will see how it goes.

I really hope this works. It would be so great if we could get away with doing this one cycle.

I emailed G and told him that I hope I don’t become to mental/hormonal and to please try to not throw me off our balcony if I lose my mind. Poor guy. 

This is one of those days where I feel like everything I knew is no longer what I thought. It has been tough.

I am going to go get a manicure on my lunch and heading out early for acupuncture so hopefully that will help my spirits.

Sometimes things just seem way too hard.

I have been holding off on going down the acupuncture route for a bit because I have a hard time buying into things like that. I have done enough research to warrant giving a shot as it definitely cannot hurt things.

There is an IVF center here that has a Acupuncture Center connected to it that also has infertility yoga (wha?? - please tell me if someone really believes that this would work or am I just super jaded?), prenatal yoga and therapists for people dealing with all of this stuff, called Pulling Down The Moon.

I made an appointment for a consultant/acupuncture appointment for Friday. I spoke with someone and the recommended coming in 1 a week and 2 times the week I am taking the clomid. The initial consult + 5 appointments = $600 a month. Um no. Sorry. Not happening. If I am guaranteed a child at the end, FOR SURE but otherwise I just can’t spend that much a month, especially if this month doesn’t work and we have to keep going…… So I am going every other week.

Most of what I read is that it is all about blood flow but I am going into it with hopes of it reducing my ridiculous amount of anxiety and stress.

Anyone have experience with it, fertility or otherwise?

(I am blogging about our struggle to have a baby so yes, some of this stuff is TMI….just wanted to put that out there)

Got the results back on the Sperm Analysis…. This is the email I just got from G….

Motility is good. Total is 68%, progressive is 61% which is both above normal.

 Count is good – 55.3 million; normal is 40 million

 Morphology was low – 4% vs. 14% but could be affected by being sick or not allowing enough time in between “deposit” – she said this one is most often the one that is off but is also the one that is of least concern and wouldn’t affect any plans the dr would have for us.

 She said he will review further and have a plan for us when we meet him at our next appt.

Of course, I start googling… I. Know. Very. Stupid. Of. Me.

Apparently 4% is low as he said in the email but some believe that could be a problem and some men have gone to a urologist to be safe.

I am going to trust MY DR and not the internet on this one but still…… WHY DID I EVEN LOOK???

So now, it is wait for my period and then start Clomid on day 3.

I just figured this out too from tumblr’s FAQ: tumblr.com/docs/fa… Hope this helps!

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Can someone email me to graceinshadesofgray@gmail.com  or in the answer part below and tell me how I can add comments on here?

Just relax, god has a plan for you.

Go on a vacation and relax and have drunk sex.

FFS - THIS IS NOT HELPING!!!

We have some.

1. Apparently my ovaries are on the smaller side and have borderline - just enough eggs, meaning at my age, there should be a lot more. I have old eggs. Nice.

2. I am having an HSG done today - augh, painful but the awesome doc gave me pain pills.

3. Did I mention I LOVE our doc?! Love! He was voted #1 RE in Chicago Magazines Best Doctors issue. He is really smart and direct. Like him a lot!

4. G goes in for an SA on Tuesday

5. I have my FSH level tested on the 3rd day of our next cycle and on that same day start Clomid. :( Apparently it feels like you are going through menopause while on it. Just peachy. I will do anything at this point.

6. We try 3 cycles of that and if it doesn’t work we move to an IUI…..

So that is where we are. I have to say, in a wierd way it was a relief to know there is something wrong - just so we know that there are things we can do to fix it.

Things are moving right along…….